The 'Official PCR Bad Joke' Thread!
- Thread starter TriplexDread
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dito
nivrip
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a
Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman...
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"
she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a
Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman...
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"
she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
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Wonderful, you have been to the vets recently then, I can remember the vet coming around to my parents house to diagnose our pet dog Simon in the early 1950's and he charged 2/6 and they thought that was expencive. Our old boy now sadly passed away had to go the the Veterinary College a few years ago and we were charged over £4,000, good old insurance policy paid out.
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nivrip
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Been very quiet recently so here's one.
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "Ive had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes over there in the Fiat Uno."
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "Ive had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes over there in the Fiat Uno."
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Nice one nivrip
nivrip
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And here's a more topical one.
Following the discovery of King Richard's remains , the Leicester branch of Millets have announced a sale on all camping gear until the spring.
A spokesperson said, "Now is the winter of our discount tents"
Following the discovery of King Richard's remains , the Leicester branch of Millets have announced a sale on all camping gear until the spring.
A spokesperson said, "Now is the winter of our discount tents"
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Nice one nivrip
nivrip
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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."
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Taffycat
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Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared :
Artie chokes 2 for $1.00 at Costco!
(They just get worse, don't they)
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared :
Artie chokes 2 for $1.00 at Costco!
(They just get worse, don't they
)
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I bought a mate home direct from work the other day. The wife came downstairs still in her nightdress. "what you brought that idiot round here for - look at me, still in me nightdress, not done me hair, no make up on, and if you think I'm going to start cooking for you - you can go and get lost" she says. "No love that was perfect" I said. "You see, he's thinking of getting married, so I thought I'd bring him round for a taster !!"