If anybody's interested, an update, I'll keep it brief, so here's what's going down in date order:
1) I assumed I was cured, but consultant ordered PET scan 'to be on the safe side'
2) Had PET scan at St Thomas' Hospital, August 18th.
3) September 1st, get letter from Guys Hospital, they've moved my appointment forward one month, they want to see me September 8th.
4) To me, it's obvious they've found something, otherwise they wouldn't want to see me, so I phone Hospital. They will not tell me over the phone, insist I have to see consultant.
5) I spend one week imagining the worst, highly stressed, disoriented, permanent stomach ache. Possibly the worst week of my life so far, the mind is a powerful thing.
6) Visit Guys Hospital, consultant tells me 'Scan showed small instance of what may be cancer at the base of my tongue on the right hand side' He said 'If it is cancer, it means we've found the primary, which is good news as it means we can clear it up with radiotherapy'. Didn't sound like good news to me, I thought I was cured, but I guess he's right.
7) He had warned me that infected lymph gland 'was almost always a secondary and it's essential to find the primary as if it goes undetected it may grow, migrate and ultimately prove fatal'
8) Appointment made for biopsy on September 25th. This involves a small operation, I'm out for 20 minutes and they take three samples from my tongue.
9) I come round in the recovery room, groggy, and am eventually delivered to ward. I'm dozing on and off, in fact I sleep most of the rest of the day and have trouble sleeping at night, this is where an iPod and a good book are good things. I reflect that this short 20 minute op has made me feel more groggy than the 4 hour op I had in April. Strange.
10) At some stage while I'm dozing the guy who done biopsy/op visited me and confirmed it was cancer. He said I was going to have to have radiotherapy and possibly chemotherapy. He told me they wouldn't need the biopsy results to confirm cancer, they could see it visually.
Great. So much for 'a small instance of cancer' then eh?
He explained this to me while I was still dozy from op, it didn't really sink in til next day.
11) Stay in Hospital, bored, til 2.30pm, have an MRI scan to my throat, this makes me feel disoriented. Sit down for 10 mins, feel ok, they give me my notes and ask me to deliver my notes/case history back to ward. On the front of my file is a big notice saying something like 'DO NOT LET PATIENT LOOK AT THIS' so of course I found a karzi, locked door, sat down and took a look.
12) The notes say something like 'Episcopic lesion to right hand side of rear of tongue, extending to osephagus' but I can't be exactly sure of wording, and there's a photo of the infected area, but it just looks like a load of raspberry jam to me.
13) Deliver my file back to ward sister, go home, later go down pub, get rat-arsed.
14) later in week, go to pub, three friends offer credit cards to get me private treatment if it will help. I 'm touched but I make a rational decision that my main man, my consultant, is a good guy and I'm probably getting best treatment anyway, though I'll never be sure of that will I?
And besides, if I survive I'll be paying them back one way or another the rest of my life, lol
15) Prior to the op/biopsy, I'd seen a pre-admissions nurse, a Polish lady named Grazyna, who kinda laid it on the line for me. Ok, I asked a lot of questions, perhaps I shouldn't have, but she sure as hell gave me straight answers.
To sum up, without going into detail, she told me:
a) Radiotherapy and Chemotherpay are not pleasant.
b) She actually said to me 'Are you strong enough to stand the pain, the discomfort, the misery, for a cure?'
c) Yes, I may lose my tongue if the cancer spreads, in which case I'll receive speech therapy.
d) Yes, I may lose my sense of taste.
e) The cancer may come back
f) Yes, it may kill me
g) The treatment may make me feel weak, may give me a sore throat, my hair will fall out, I may not be able to swallow, if I can't swallow I'll be admitted to hospital and put on a drip for a while.
h) The treatment will last 6 weeks, five days a week, commuting between Greenwich & Guys Hospital (LOndon Bridge). Then it will take 3 to 4 weeks to recover back to normal. So, roll on Christmas eh?
Well, Grazyna, don't be applying for an Ambassador's job anytime in the future eh?
16) Right now, my head's pretty messed up. I'm scared. I wonder if it's worth carrying on but think yes it is, I have 3 daughters.
17) This is possibly my darkest hour, no ****.
18) I wonder, two months since scan, has this stuff migrated?
19) I can only trust the good folk at Guys hospital to cure me, what else can I do?
20) When you're told you have cancer the overwhelming thought is 'This doesn't happen to me, this only happens to other people'. When I wake each day, stone cold sober, and acknowledge the fact I have this disease, it's pretty much a big downer, gotta say.
So, I could go on, add more, but that's basically it.
On Friday October 6th I visit the hospital and the consultant will inform me of the treatment I'm having, which will be based on the results from the biopsy and MRI scan. It's likely, as I said, I'll get radiotherapy & chemotherapy. Ain't life fun eh?
I'm assuming the treatment will start Monday October 9th, but I don't know for sure.
I have an ordeal to face, I hope I have the courage to get through it.
I have no God to fall back on other than my faith in human beings, who, mostly, I really like.
And, to finish up, this crap was caused by 30 years of smoking, no doubt, so if you're young and smoking please quit, please, that would make me feel better, nobody should have to go through this ****.
Oh yes, lol, me explaining this may, just may, explain my attitude in a few posts I've made recently
I shall have to learn better self-control
hugging you Tony
