Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

A Dignified Exit

One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade."

 

[Quadophile]

"What-cha Doin'!"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

[Quadophile]

"Refined" Shopping

A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it. "And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.

"Raisins" says the saleswoman, "- but they're not for sale."

 

[Quadophile]

Golden Phone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering a
church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read:

"Calls: 25 cents"!

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each churchI have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call.

Why is that?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied:

"Son, you're in Georgia now, and it's a local call."

 

[Quadophile]

Genie's Request

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"

 

[Quadophile]

The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

 

[Quadophile]

Pessimist:

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, as a duck hunter, I was in the market for a new bird dog a few years ago. My search finally ended when I found a dog that could not only retrieve, but could actually walk on water! Shocked by my find, I was both skeptical that the dog would be able to keep this up after I purchased it (you know, maybe the salesman was somehow playing a cruel trick on me), and also that any of my friends would ever believe me.

I decided to try to break the news to one friend at a time starting with a long-time buddy who was also a hunter. He was a pessimist by nature, but invited him to hunt with me and my new dog.

As we waited, carefully concealed by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. We fired, and ducks fell at a distance. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the birds, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long--each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

My pessimist buddy watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word about it the entire day.

On the drive home the silence was suddenly broken when my friend said, "Too bad about your dog."

A little surprised at his statement, I asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean," drawled the pessimist slowly, "it's too bad ya got stuck with one that can't swim."

 

[Quadophile]

Bragging about fathers

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.


The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[muckshifter]

Some new material in here Quad ... you got a new writing team then.

 

[Anon_F]

Some new material in here Quad ... you got a new writing team then.

I must confess Quad i sometimes pass these on to friends as my own jokes, sorry

 

[Quadophile]

Some new material in here Quad ... you got a new writing team then.

You bet!

 

[Quadophile]

I must confess Quad i sometimes pass these on to friends as my own jokes, sorry

No worries M8! Help yourself to it, its all in fun

 

[Quadophile]

Wife from the ribs

At Sunday school, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

[michael 118]

'Wife from the ribs'
Great stuff

 

[Quadophile]

Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

[muckshifter]

OH dear ...

 

[Quadophile]

"There's a Leak in my Soup!"

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

 

[itsme]

That is a cracker

 

[Quadophile]

Communication 101

Some teachers at state universities get to know their students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage.
A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.

"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.

"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."

 

[Quadophile]

Lawyer's Grief

A Lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see the tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services."

Suddenly Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, 'You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone.!"

Through the tears, Morris sobs, 'You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"