Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

Church Leadership

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
​

There was silence.
​

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

 

[muckshifter]

- LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because
you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but
it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far - as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals - for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your
own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,
Carol

 

[cirianz]

ROTFLMAO

That's a good one

 

[Taffycat]

ROFL Brilliant!

 

[Quadophile]

Einstein Burger

"Have you been to that new 'Einstein Burger' yet?"

"Why yes I have."

"How was it?"

"Relatively good."

 

[Quadophile]

Game Warden

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

 

[Quadophile]

Backup

A police recruit was asked during the exam,

"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered "Call for backup."

​

 

[Quadophile]

Rank Explanation

My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.
​

After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."

Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.

 

[Quadophile]

Looks like this thread has come of age, now we are on page 21!

 

[Quadophile]

Irish couple

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St.
Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[Taffycat]

Looks like this thread has come of age, now we are on page 21!

Congrats!! Should have a party really ...this thread is a really good laugh

 

[Anon_F]

Blow

Quad, this thread is the one i always come to if a bit down & i want a good laugh
Try this one:
A news article from a Florida Newspaper -
When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch.

What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with
grayish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described > it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it looked similar to cocaine, and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars, "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

Well, the next morning the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.

The cardboard box was there too with about half of Gertrude's ashes remaining.

There also was this note which read, "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister.

No hard feelings.
Have a nice day."

 

[itsme]

Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

That made me giggle a bit [ROTFPMSLOL]

 

[Quadophile]

Black Man's Poem

Here's a poem written by an African Shakespeare

Dear White fella,

Couple things u should know
When i born. i black
when i grew up i black
when i go in sun, i black
when i cold, i black
when i scared, i black
when i sick, i black
& when i die, i black

u white fella
when u born, u pink
when u grow up, u white
when u go in sun, u red
when u cold, u blue
when u scared, u yellow
when u sick, u green
& when u die, u grey

& u have the cheek to call me 'coloured' ??????

 

[itsme]

I is Red laughing

 

[michael 118]

actually laughed my *ss off to the Black mans poem

Hasnt this thread been stickyfied yet?

 

[Quadophile]

Hasnt this thread been stickyfied yet?

It has been a sticky since you mentioned it the first time

 

[michael 118]

It has been a sticky since you mentioned it the first time

Just er.. making sure Anis

 

[Rush]

Your call

Shoot me down if you like..its your thread..but a quads joke book looks very good to print for a charity m8

 

[muckshifter]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"




Who said blonds are dumb ...