Quad's Humour Thread

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Finally, excellent new puns!
  • How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
  • There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up.
  • He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.
  • Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
  • A supercilious crook going downstairs? Oh you mean, A condescending con, descending.
  • Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
  • England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  • I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
  • I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.
  • Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  • ‘I have a split personality’ said Tom, being Frank.
  • What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved!
 
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.



2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.


3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.


4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.


5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.


6. Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.


7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.


8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.


9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.


10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.


11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.


12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.


13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.


14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.


15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.


16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.


17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”


18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.


19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.


20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.


21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road


22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.



23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”


24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self


25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.


:D
 
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words .



A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy ."
Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill​
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worsh
ips his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."​
Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. "
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx​
 
Hi all

A friend of mine has 2 tickets for a corporate box at the Euro 2020 final. The tickets cover the seats, travel, lunch and drinks. However he bought the tickets months ago and didn't realise the final was going to be on his wedding day! So he is looking for someone to take his place and has asked me to help him.

It's at Portsmouth registry office at 4pm. Her name is Nicola, she's 5'4", slim and pretty. Let me know if you need more details.
 
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