Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

Valentine card

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle aged balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 

[Urmas]

Warroad Minnesota - The Ames Door Company, entering its' 100th year of production this year, is recognized a national leader in the design and production of residential doors. Their premier product, the Diplomat, is a top-of-the-line Pennsylvania oak six-panel door and frame, prized by home builders, that is shipped across the country in the companies' fleet of famous orange semi-trailers.

Always known for their handsome fit and finish, Ames Doors have become the industry standard for durability as well.

Company spokesman Neil Nedsum explained. "We have to design to a wide variety of climatic requirements however we have found the most universal and demanding requirement for any door is its ability to withstand repeated slamming in the face of Jehovah Witnesses."

"To meet the needs of our clients we have Jehovah Witnesses on staff as testers. They start out as you might expect, knocking on doors in pairs, usually with one feigning a disability to evoke sympathy, carrying copies of the Watchtower."

"We've hired angry housewives to answer the doors and just do what comes naturally. We keep them over-caffeinated and have them work double-duty as company day-care workers to keep it real."

"Doors are tested to 10,000 cycles so this amounts to a lot of work by our testing department."

Head of the Jehovah Witness testing department Ishmael Smits says "You have to have the right kind of nose for this kind of work."

 

[Quadophile]

Sears Catalog

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

 

[Quadophile]

Contacts

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss

"You know, I know everyone there is to know.
Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,"Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?

Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom
Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba hat
he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.

Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington ."

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,"Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores
him to name anyone else.

The new Pope," his boss replies.

Sure, says Bubba. I've know the Pope a long time."

So, off they fly to Rome .

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never
work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all thesepeople. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let
me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balconywith the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward St.Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony and waves to the crowd.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by
paramedics.Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him,"What happened"?

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the
Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba'"?

 

[Quadophile]

The bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.


Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"Sweet Lord, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years"!!!

 

[Quadophile]

Lottery ticket

An Irish woman goes to her Parish Priest and tells him she has a winning 50 million dollar lottery ticket in her hand but she is frightened. When her Priest asked her why she is frightened she said her husband John has a serious heart condition and she is afraid the news will give him a heart attack.

The Priest says he is running a mens meeting in the church that evening and he will try to bring up the subject and prepare her husband for the news.


At the meeting the Priest says to the group of men, "What would you do if you won a 50 million dollars in a lottery?"

The woman's husband John raises his hand and the Priest call on him. John says, "Well the first thing I would do Father is give half of it to the Parish." The Priest immediately had a heart attack.

 

[Quadophile]

Vending machine

A blonde in Las Vegas goes

up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?”

She replies, “Back off! Can’t you see I’m winning?”​

​

​

 

[captain zed]

A blonde in Las Vegas goes

up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?”

She replies, “Back off! Can’t you see I’m winning?”​

​

​

Grooooaaann.....lol

 

[Quadophile]

A stomy night

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing.

 

[Urmas]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie, Scotland reported
the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Enzie,
Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely <****> all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

 

[Urmas]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glaswegian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from The Gorbals were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glaswegian pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower!

 

[Quadophile]

Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

That was hilarious

 

[Quadophile]

Lost in Walmart

Two retired, Medicare Card carrying, old " farts" are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart again today, when they collide. The first old guy says to the second , " Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, " Well, she is 27 years old, tall and slender, with flaming red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing really tight short-shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Never mind - let's look for yours!"

 

[Quadophile]

Downsizing

A large flywheel company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[Urmas]

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances

The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

 

[Urmas]

Nine Months Later

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and they pulled into a nearby farm, asking the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house," she told them.

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. If the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing but about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" he queried awkwardly.

"Well, um, yes," Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" John pursued further.

Keith's face turned beet red. "Yeah. Look, I'm sorry buddy. I'm afraid I did." he said sheepishly. "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 

[EvanDavis]

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

 

[Vicbowling]

wave bye bye

[mucks edit ... my glasses are very good]

 

[EvanDavis]

http://www.eezytrade.co.uk/

​

Looks Like Bill is very late in getting eChicken 2007 launched. Too bad, I was really looking forward to that app too. Ha, ha - great post!

Bye bye Mr Spammer.................Reported

 

[nivrip]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly… I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in. I’m just sitting here watching the poison dissolve, then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"