Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

The economy is so bad.....

------------I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad, a picture is now only worth 200 words.

The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"

It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."

The economy is so bad that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.

The economy is so bad, Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.

The economy is so bad, the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds", you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

It's so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy's so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

It's so bad, McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.

The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.

The economy is so bad, I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"

 

[Urmas]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I wanna get outta here. I'm smart and I'll answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"


The teacher turns around, "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?"


Johnny says, "Tiger Woods ... CAN I GO NOW?"?"

 

[Quadophile]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal........................

LOL that was a good one!

 

[nivrip]

Here's Another

A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit; 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit; 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club
away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit; lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit; 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood, and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man played
the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit; Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit; Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,
the man asks, "What do you think I
should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit; $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,"Ribbit; Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.

".....and that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God, or my name is not Tiger Woods."

 

[Quadophile]

Paying Taxes

A fella walked into the tax collector's office with a huge bandageon his nose. Had an accident?, Asked the tax agent. No, answeredthe man, I've been paying through it for so long, it gave way under the strain....
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[Quadophile]

Beautiful blond rings the doorbell, Man answers.

Were out painting porches, could we paint yours.

How much? man asks $75.00 she responds.

Go Ahead he says sounds fair.

Wife say's does she know it goes 3/4 around the house? She ought too she was standing on it! man replys.

45 min. later blond rings bell. I'm finished she says that will be 75.00.

As he hand her the money he notices the porch is not painted. just as he was about to speak; She says " by the way you don't have a Porche, yours is a BMW.

 

[Quadophile]

Banker overboard

The banker fell overboard while taking a cruise on a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, and not knowing if the banker could swim, shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Of course!" the banker yelled back, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

 

[Quadophile]

Passing by

While on a trip with the family, I thought it would be good to teach my 5 year old daughter some things.

As we past a sign I told her that is the name of the town for the next exit. As we past the exit I told her how we were passing the town.

A few exits latter she noticed the sign for gas. As we passed the exit, much to her delight, she informed us we were passing gas.

 

[Quadophile]

Marriage partner

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate, "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities."​

Back came the answer.."Marry a penguin"​

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[Quadophile]

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

 

[Quadophile]

Blonde Joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

 

[Quadophile]

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees, “All right.”

The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”

 

[Quadophile]

You've Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

 

[Quadophile]

The football player's wife: I hate it when my husband calls leftovers, " Replays ".​

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TV executives wife: My husband calls them, " reruns "​

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The Mortician's wife; Be grateful. My husband refers to them as, " Remains "....​

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[Alf]

Keep em coming!

 

[Quadophile]

Who is driving?

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

 

[Quadophile]

Nuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

 

[Urmas]

A man was driving through an intersection when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,
even though he knew that he was not speeding ...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny,
so he drove even slower as he passed the area again,
but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the
camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...


Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without
a seat belt.

 

[Quadophile]

The new stimulus package

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

 

[Quadophile]

Valentine gift

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".