Quad's Humour Thread
- Thread starter Quadophile
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With such a wonderful feast of jokes all at once I'm going to be sniggering for days 
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Smart Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my a$$. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my a$$. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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hahahhaha!! Islams!!!
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Urine Test
Harold was an old man who was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted.....Old Harold just smiled!
Harold was an old man who was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted.....Old Harold just smiled!
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Maw's New Bathroom!
[font=tahoma,sans-serif][font=tahoma,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica]Maw's New Bathroom! [/font][/font][/font]
[font=tahoma,sans-serif][font=tahoma,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica]Dear Son:
Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $47.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house. We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.
Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.
Maw
[/font][/font][/font]
[font=tahoma,sans-serif][font=tahoma,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica]Maw's New Bathroom! [/font][/font][/font]
[font=tahoma,sans-serif][font=tahoma,sans-serif][font=arial,helvetica]Dear Son:
Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $47.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house. We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.
Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.
Maw
[/font][/font][/font]
Mildred
Mildred was in a lunatic asylum, had been in for years, one day herbert another patient in the asylum, who had never been able to swim, decided to go and jump into the swimming pool. As he started drowning, Mildred jumped into the pool and dragged him out and took him back to his room.
The staff held a meeting and decided that because of Mildreds quick reaction to the situation with herbert that she was ready to go home, so they called mildred into the office.
Mildred, they said, we have some good news for you and some bad news, the good news is that, after watching the way you bravely rescued herbet from the pool we have decided that you are well enough to go home.
The bad news is, I am afraid we found poor herbet dead in his room this morning, the ordeal had been too much for him and we found him hanging by the belt of his bathrobe.
ooooooooooooh NO !!! said Mildred, he didnt kill himself, i hung him there to dry, errrm now then, when did u say i could go home ?
Mildred was in a lunatic asylum, had been in for years, one day herbert another patient in the asylum, who had never been able to swim, decided to go and jump into the swimming pool. As he started drowning, Mildred jumped into the pool and dragged him out and took him back to his room.
The staff held a meeting and decided that because of Mildreds quick reaction to the situation with herbert that she was ready to go home, so they called mildred into the office.
Mildred, they said, we have some good news for you and some bad news, the good news is that, after watching the way you bravely rescued herbet from the pool we have decided that you are well enough to go home.
The bad news is, I am afraid we found poor herbet dead in his room this morning, the ordeal had been too much for him and we found him hanging by the belt of his bathrobe.
ooooooooooooh NO !!! said Mildred, he didnt kill himself, i hung him there to dry, errrm now then, when did u say i could go home ?
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Funny Book Titles
I Win! by U. Lose
Robots by Anne Droid
Danger! by Luke Out
Cloning by Irma Dubble II
Hot Dog! by Frank Furter
Cry Wolf by Al Armist
Wake Up! by Sal Ammoniac
I'm Fine by Howard Yu
Gambling by Monty Carlos
Mensa Man by Gene Yuss
Big Fart! by Hugh Jass
Hypnotism by N. Tranced
Downpour! by Wayne Dwops
Full Moon by Seymour Buns
Sea Birds by Al Batross
Teach Me! by I. Wanda Know
I Say So! by Frank O. Pinion
Tug of War by Paul Hard
Surprised! by Omar Gosh
Beekeeping by A. P. Arry
Good Works by Ben Evolent
Golly Gosh! by G. Whiz
It's Magic! by Sven Gali
April Fool! by Sue Prize
Come on in! by Doris Open
Parachuting by Hugo First
Get Moving! by Sheik Aleg
I Like Fish by Ann Chovie
Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace
May Flowers by April Showers
Pain Relief by Ann L. Gesick
It's Unfair! by Y. Me
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How to Annoy by Aunt Agonize
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I Love Wills by Benny Fishery
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Sofa so Good by Chester Field
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Grave Mistakes by Paul Bearer
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Animal Illnesses by Ann Thrax
He's Contagious! by Lucas Measles
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Cooking Spaghetti by Al Dente
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Unsolved Mysteries by N. Igma
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Lots of Excitement by Hugh N. Cry
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In the Arctic Ocean by Isa Berg
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Exotic Irish Plants by Phil O'Dendron
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A Whole Lot of Cats by Kitt N. Caboodle
I Work with Diamonds by Jules Sparkle
Lawyers of Suffering by Grin and Barrett
Flogging in the Army by Corporal Punishment
Errors and Accidents by Miss Takes and Miss Haps
Christmas for Baldies by Yule Brynner
Where to Find Islands by Archie Pelago
French Overpopulation by Francis Crowded
How to Tour the Prison by Robin Steele
I Like Weeding Gardens by Manuel Labour
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The Effects of Alcohol by Sir Osis of Liver
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pushing.
This guy goes to bed, and cant get to sleep, so he gets out of bed and kneels and prays, please God forgive me for my selfish attitude, help me to be more helpful to people in need. He gets back into bed and goes to sleep. 3 o clock in the morning he hears BANG BANG BANG on his front door, he gets up goes downstairs opens the door, it is blowing a gale and chuckin it down with rain and this guy stood at the door, saying, excuse me mate, u couldnt give me a push could ya please ? WOT !!!!!! said the guy in the house, you expect me to get dressed at this hour ? in this weather ? and give u a push, you must be jokin mate. and he slammed the door shut and went back to bed. but........he couldnt get back in bad, cus he felt convicted of the prayer he prayed earlier, so..........he ran back downstairs, opened the door and shouted, OI OI U STILL THERE MATE ? and the voice shouted back.YES, AM STILL HERE. .....Do u still need a push ? said the man inside the house. YES PLEASE shouted the man outside. Well i cant see you, said the man inside the house where are u ?
I AM HERE, SHOUTED THE MAN OUTSIDE, DOWN THE GARDEN STILL SAT ON THE SWING.
This guy goes to bed, and cant get to sleep, so he gets out of bed and kneels and prays, please God forgive me for my selfish attitude, help me to be more helpful to people in need. He gets back into bed and goes to sleep. 3 o clock in the morning he hears BANG BANG BANG on his front door, he gets up goes downstairs opens the door, it is blowing a gale and chuckin it down with rain and this guy stood at the door, saying, excuse me mate, u couldnt give me a push could ya please ? WOT !!!!!! said the guy in the house, you expect me to get dressed at this hour ? in this weather ? and give u a push, you must be jokin mate. and he slammed the door shut and went back to bed. but........he couldnt get back in bad, cus he felt convicted of the prayer he prayed earlier, so..........he ran back downstairs, opened the door and shouted, OI OI U STILL THERE MATE ? and the voice shouted back.YES, AM STILL HERE. .....Do u still need a push ? said the man inside the house. YES PLEASE shouted the man outside. Well i cant see you, said the man inside the house where are u ?
I AM HERE, SHOUTED THE MAN OUTSIDE, DOWN THE GARDEN STILL SAT ON THE SWING.
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Great stuff Quad
cirianz
Chatter Box
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AMAZED said:This guy goes to bed, and cant get to sleep, so he gets out of bed and kneels and prays, please God forgive me for my selfish attitude, help me to be more helpful to people in need. He gets back into bed and goes to sleep. 3 o clock in the morning he hears BANG BANG BANG on his front door, he gets up goes downstairs opens the door, it is blowing a gale and chuckin it down with rain and this guy stood at the door, saying, excuse me mate, u couldnt give me a push could ya please ? WOT !!!!!! said the guy in the house, you expect me to get dressed at this hour ? in this weather ? and give u a push, you must be jokin mate. and he slammed the door shut and went back to bed. but........he couldnt get back in bad, cus he felt convicted of the prayer he prayed earlier, so..........he ran back downstairs, opened the door and shouted, OI OI U STILL THERE MATE ? and the voice shouted back.YES, AM STILL HERE. .....Do u still need a push ? said the man inside the house. YES PLEASE shouted the man outside. Well i cant see you, said the man inside the house where are u ?
I AM HERE, SHOUTED THE MAN OUTSIDE, DOWN THE GARDEN STILL SAT ON THE SWING.
Hi AMAZED, just a suggestion, but perhaps you might get more reponse to your jokes if you started your own thread. Although people do occasionally post individual jokes here, in general, if someone wants to post jokes regularly they start their own thread
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Women's Revenge
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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A dangerous situation
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a ‘drop off’ (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get ou t of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *