Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. “I’d like one under-cooked egg so that it’s runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” “That’s a complicated order sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

 

[Quadophile]

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply,
“For HEAVEN‘S SAKE Dad, don‘t dig up that garden, that‘s where I buried the Money!“
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son‘s reply was: “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It‘s the best I could do from here.“

 

[Quadophile]

Please note that Banks are installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.


MALE PROCEDURE


* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE


* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking Brake.

 

[Quadophile]

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.


Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:


“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”

 

[Quadophile]

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.


After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.


“America,” the husband replied.


Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.”


“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.


Turning to the husband, he offered….. “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.”



After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

 

[Becky]

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply,
“For HEAVEN‘S SAKE Dad, don‘t dig up that garden, that‘s where I buried the Money!“
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son‘s reply was: “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It‘s the best I could do from here.“

He he that's a good one

 

[cirianz]

Ahhhhh, but the trouble with the drive by ATM proceedures is that the men wouldn't read the instructions, would then spend 5 times as long as necessary, end up doing it wrong, have an impassioned argument with the machine & drive off without any money & possibly without their card

 

[Becky]

Ahhhhh, but the trouble with the drive by ATM proceedures is that the men wouldn't read the instructions, would then spend 5 times as long as necessary, end up doing it wrong, have an impassioned argument with the machine & drive off without any money & possibly without their card

Are you trying to say that men don't read instructions Ciri?!

 

[darcy]

Are you trying to say that men don't read instructions Ciri?!

now that would be first, lol

 

[Quadophile]

I have heard that men don't ask directions but not reading instructions is first for me too! I love reading instructions!, manuals etc.

 

[bootneck02]

Ahh I think the ladies are referring to the instruction they leave to their better half, not technical instructions which is widely known as of great interest to the male species

 

[darcy]

I have heard that men don't ask directions but not reading instructions is first for me too! I love reading instructions!, manuals etc.

,, then you are a rare bird, Quad : )

 

[Urmas]

... then again, Monsieur Quad may well be treating manuals as fiction. Just saying...

 

[Quadophile]

Pun-ography

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously Obama'sfault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

[bootneck02]

 

[Quadophile]

ISU RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU.

The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

 

[Quadophile]

Signs in the USA (mostly)

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant "Now serving live lobsters"

On the menu of a restaurant "Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant "Open seven days a week and weekends."

In a New Jersey restaurant "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the walls of a Baltimore estate "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

In a New York drugstore "We dispense with accuracy."

In a New York medical building "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church" In a funeral parlor "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

Outside a country shop "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers "Parking for birds only."

In the vestry of a New England church "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished"

In a laundry room "Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store "Ears pierced while you wait."

In a New York restaurant "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin "Crap - .79/lb."

In a Florida maternity ward "No children allowed."

In the offices of a loan company "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

At a number of US military bases "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards "Now available in multi-packs"

In the window of an Oregon general store "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetary "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a private school "No trespassing without permission."

In a library "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash "If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal "Terminal Drugs"

From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."

On a delicatessen wall "Our best is none too good"

On a roller caoster "Watch your head"

On a Maine shop "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

In downtown Boston "Callahan Tunnel / No end."

A sign on a front yard in York, Maine "Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

 

[Quadophile]

KIDS: AND THE ORIGINS OF LOVE CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'." Julio, age 9

"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. he tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods. Robbie, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ...That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age 8

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." Carey, age 7

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9

 

[Quadophile]

Quotes about computers and software and other things
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA

"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things." --Doug Gwyn

"Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen." -- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"

True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see.......... - unknown

"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot" - Rich Julius

"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."

Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!

PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.

- cartoon in the New Yorker Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. Donald Knuth

Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us EDLIN.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg." -- Bjarne Stroustrup

I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool. -- Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. -- E. W. Dijkstra

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -- Dijkstra

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read. -- Joshua Heller

The Internet is mightier than the pen.

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"

"A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!" -- Michael O'Brien

 

[Quadophile]

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.