Just for a chuckle

[Taffycat]

New Twists on Old Adages:

A fool and his money... are fun to go out with.

All's fair in love and.... chocolate.

If at first you don't succeed...... hire someone who can.

'Tis better to have loved and lost.....
than to sit naked on an ant-hill covered with honey.

Too many cooks..... less for me to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Handy Cat Translator
miaow Feed me.

meeow Pet me.

mrooww I love you.

Miioo-oo-oo I am in love and must meet my
betrothed outside beneath the hedge.
Don't wait up.

mrow I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww Please, the time is come to tidy
the cat box.

rrrow-miawww I have remedied the cat box untidiness
by shoveling the contents as far out
of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow Play with me.

Miaowmioaw Have you noticed the shortage of
available cat toys in this room?

mioawmioaw Since I can find nothing better to
play with, I shall see what happens
when I sharpen my claws on this
handy piece of furniture.

raowwwww I think I shall now spend time
licking the most private parts
of my anatomy.

mrowwwww I am now recalling, with
sorrow, that some of my private
parts did not return with me
from that visit to the vet.

Roww-maww-roww I am so glad to see that you have
returned home with both arms full
of groceries. I will now rub myself
against your legs and attempt to
trip you as you walk towards the
kitchen.

gakk-ak-ak My digestive passages seem to have
formed a hairball. Wherever could
this have come from? I shall leave
it here upon the carpeting.

mow Snuggling is a good idea.

moww Shedding is pretty good, too.

mowww! I was enjoying snuggling and shedding
in the warm clean laundry until you
removed me so unkindly.

Miaow! Miaow! I have discovered that, although one
may be able to wedge his body through
the gap behind the stove and into that
little drawer filled with pots and pans,
the reverse path is slightly more
difficult to navigate.

Mraakk! Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

mmmrowmmm It is certain that the best tasting
fish is one you have caught yourself.

mmmmmmm If I sit in the sunshine for another
hour or so, I think I shall be
satisfied.

Mreoaw Please ask room service to send up
another can of tunafish.

Mreeeow Do you serve catnip with that?

mroow I have forced my body into a tiny
space in order to look cute.
How'm I doin?

Miaooww! Mriaow! Since you are using the can opener,
I am certain that you understand the
value of a well-fed and pampered
cat. Please continue.

(this is multiplied by 4 in our house!!)

 

[cirianz]

Forgot...

meeeowwww........

"My dad hasn't fed me all day!!!! & possibly yesturday as well! but I know you'll feed me"

&

arooowww....

"What... all those left over bikkies in my bowl...? No of course I cant eat them!
They're the wrong colour!
So... you were about to feed me...?"

 

[Taffycat]

Forgot...

meeeowwww........

"My dad hasn't fed me all day!!!! & possibly yesturday as well! but I know you'll feed me"

&

arooowww....

"What... all those left over bikkies in my bowl...? No of course I cant eat them!
They're the wrong colour!
So... you were about to feed me...?"

Yes, and what about "wwaaAAHH....Mum! he's eating my supper ...!"
Followed by, "Mmoo... hang on though, his bowl is unattended, (light dawns) I'll go and eat his instead!"

Our only female cat is a growler - she literally growls just like a disgruntled puppy, so we get,
"Grrrrrrrr....... Outa the way, coming through, in a tremendous hurry!" and "Grrrumble... now I'm up here, but I want to be down there.....need help!" Not forgetting, "Grrsnarrrrlll....Gerroff! Unhand me you Varmint!"

 

[cirianz]

ROTFLMAO

Yeah, John's cat definitely has a quiet little lap snuggling "growwwwl" that means... "If you wish to retain your capacity for reproduction, you WILL not move!"

 

[Taffycat]

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'

 

[Taffycat]

The Simpsons' quotes at the end are specially for Feckit

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious - Alan Minter

"...the bowler is Holding the batsmen's Willey" Brian Johnston

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best

Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country - Ian Rush

"You watch the pitlane while I stop the start watch..." - Murray Walker

I never criticise referees and i'm not going to change a habit for that prat. - Ron Atkinson

What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football - Stuart Hall, (radio 5 live commentator)

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" - Samuel Goldwyn.

"What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." - G.W. Hegel (philosopher)

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett.

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." - Ambrose Bierce

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an a*se kicking contest." - Rowan Atkinson.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - WC Fields.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." - Groucho Marx.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.


"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?" - Bart Simpson

"If at first you don't succeed, give up." - Homer Simpson

"Alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." - Homer Simpson

"Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos." - Homer Simpson

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman." - Homer Simpson

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!" - Homer Simpson

"What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding ..." - Bart Simpson

 

[nivrip]

Life: a sexually transmitted disease, inevitably fatal.