Have you tried making use of Spacing *Before* only? For example, 12
points of Spacing Before on your "normal" paragraph style and 6 points
of spacing before for your numbered or bulleted list style. If you ever
need more spacing, try adding it manually (via the Paragraph dialog box)
to the relevant paragraph.
When you mix Spacing Before and Spacing After, other factors must be
considered, such as "Don't use HTML paragraph auto spacing"
(Compatibility Options) and "Don't add space between paragraphs of the
same style" (Modify Style dialog box).