A car!

[itsme]

Will their me an argument on who gets to drive it first
I'm sure muckshifter has left somethings off his list, but cant think what

UMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! A......Driver maybe

 

[cirianz]

oh the open road ...

You'll need some Car Tools ...

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Also useful for flattening out those annoyingly rounded parts found at the end of oposable digits, and, occasionaly, for installing interesting new designs in bone & brain cavities

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board princ iple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

No, hacksaws are easy, the really fun one is trying to drive a jigsaw with a bent blade... it is of course, the last blade on the property, the job is urgently required & repeated attempts to straighten the blade have no more than temporary effect.

CHAINSAW: Divining tool for finding nails in trees & logs.

DROPSAW: Tool for cutting firewood after the chainsaw has completed it's above purpose.

I know they're not exactly car tools... but nevertheless essential components of any well stocked toolshed.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

Lets give credit where due. These can also be useful in the construction of 64 foot boats given the correct circumstances, ie
1.that the constructor is a minumum of 100k from the nearest large body of water. Distance to the coastline should, obviously, be considerably longer.
2.The construction is being carried out in a valley that is surrounded by at least two mountain ranges.
In such circumstances said torch can actually be used for the purpose of cutting sheet steel. I am an eyewitness! True I was under 7yo at the time, but nevertheless, I did see it done!

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.




Enjoy your New Car.

As mucks says, enjoy your car & don't forget... in the interests of domestic harmony, avoid eating or drinking in the car for a minimum of 2 months or until such time as the electromagnetc attraction new-car upholstery has for such items has had time to disperse

 

[HGV2]

So all hell will break loose when the first scratch or dent appears

 

[Becky]

My dear Adywebb,

I'll have you know I worked on the car part dept at Halfords for 2 years, know how to change tyres, oil, filters etc... and eat men like you for breakfast

 

[itsme]

My dear Adywebb,

I'll have you know I worked on the car part dept at Halfords for 2 years, know how to change tyres, oil, filters etc... and eat men like you for breakfast

Now thats telling Mr Adywebb, how good you are SB I like it! I like it!

 

[Anon_F]

My dear Adywebb,

I'll have you know I worked on the car part dept at Halfords for 2 years, know how to change tyres, oil, filters etc... and eat men like you for breakfast

So Becks what oil do you advise me to buy then, should i go for 0W/40W or 5W/W35? I'm off to hide
So which one of you is the registered owner, ie the one who drives it first!!!!!

 

[ChristopherP]

Need to know what car you have!!

 

[Me__2001]

those seem V light to be using in your average car

 

[psd99]

My dear Adywebb,

I'll have you know I worked on the car part dept at Halfords for 2 years, know how to change tyres, oil, filters etc... and eat men like you for breakfast

oh dear

that is a real kick in the TEETH

lol

 

[ChristopherP]

those seem V light to be using in your average car

Thats what i thought

0w oil must be so runny!! Its for high performance/racing engines i think.

Mine takes 15w40 Part Synthetic (thought i use Castrol GTX because its cheaper) and most cars are similr...

 

[cirianz]

My dear Adywebb,

I'll have you know I worked on the car part dept at Halfords for 2 years, know how to change tyres, oil, filters etc... and eat men like you for breakfast

Good for you Bex

Even though it's likely I'll never be able to drive, my mum still considered learning the basics (changing tyres, oil, radiator maintenance (& the importance of always carrying a bottle of clean water in the car), jumpstarting, & applying snow chains) as being as essential as learning to do the dishes. Not in your legue I know & I've forgotten most of it due to lack of use. But after my mother's totally commonsense attitude it surprises me all the time how many car owners don't know how to do some of these basic things.

& my dad had taught me how to use most of the tools in mucks list before I was seven. Although I wasn't allowed to actually practice with the oxyacetalene torch, although he did let me practice with the welder once. He also taught me basic electronics & how to use a soldering iron (he was an electrician for a while until he got bored with it), carpentry, & how to use a 22 rifle. Although he would get very frustrated with how many times I would 'almost hit' a rabbit. But I was always a big softie & after I saw what a deer rifle could do to a rabbit I much preferred shooting tin cans. Again, all before I was 7yo.

I grew up thinking that all this was normal & am frequently appalled by how many women won't even try, & by how many males seem to think that knowing this sort of stuff is genetic & therefore there is no need to actually learn how

*ciri makes a cup of tea & settles down in a comfy chair*

 

[Ian]

The car has just arrived

Woohoo! Only problem is I haven't driven for months, so I'll wait till Becky is back before I give it a spin

 

[muckshifter]

The car has just arrived

Woohoo! Only problem is I haven't driven for months, so I'll wait till Becky is back before I give it a spin

huh! ... you is gonna sit there and look at it???

Get in and go ... anywhere, how about the nearest garage and fill the tank up.

 

[bodhi]

I agree with Mucks, you have just bought a brand new car, dont be "soft", you may not have driven for months, but there are a hell of a lot of people out there that im sure have never driven before AT ALL!!!!

Get into it young man!!

P.S. Go pick bex up and whenever she goes to open the door just edge forward a little bit. Thats bound to put her in a GREAT mood for the rest of the day, honest! ;-)

 

[Ian]

I agree with Mucks, you have just bought a brand new car, dont be "soft", you may not have driven for months, but there are a hell of a lot of people out there that im sure have never driven before AT ALL!!!!

Normally I would do, but at the end of our street we have the Mancunian Way motorway - the only way I can get out of our street is via a little sliproad onto this... if I was in a residential area I wouldn't mind at all, but pulling out onto the motorway from the first minute in the car is too much for me now . 20 mins in the car to remember what things do and I'll be fine

 

[bodhi]

Normally I would do, but at the end of our street we have the Mancunian Way motorway - the only way I can get out of our street is via a little sliproad onto this... if I was in a residential area I wouldn't mind at all, but pulling out onto the motorway from the first minute in the car is too much for me now . 20 mins in the car to remember what things do and I'll be fine

Haha, so let me get this straight. The only way out your street is via a big busy motorway and you are scared to go on it incase you have an accident? BUT, you would feel alright about aforementioned accident if you had your girlfriend with you??

Am i reading that wrong?? hehe

 

[ChristopherP]

Dont rag it.

Give it a few hundred to a thousand miles before you give it any welly. Let the engine wear in first.

In some new cars, if you go above 4 or so thousand revs within the first X miles, the warranty is invalidated.

PHOTOS IAN!!!!

 

[Ian]

Haha, so let me get this straight. The only way out your street is via a big busy motorway and you are scared to go on it incase you have an accident? BUT, you would feel alright about aforementioned accident if you had your girlfriend with you??

Nope, you've got it right pretty much I've passed my test a while back, but I'm only used to driving in <40mph streets and residential areas - motorways are totally new to me. Literally, theres 10 meters and then a short sliproad onto the motorway. If Becky drives out to somewhere tonight, then I'll drive back and get used to the car (she's done loads of driving, I've had maybe 10 hours).

Makes me sound like a wuss, I know

 

[muckshifter]

Well, in that case Ian, you is doing the right thing ... it does still amaze me how, despite some rigorous tests, that our Driving Instructors still cannot teach people how to drive, but merely how to pass the driving test.

I suppose it is like most thing in life ... you only really learn, by doing and gaining experience ... so as for such things as driving a car for the first time, it don't matter what "qualifications" one has, it all boils down to two things ... confidence & experience.


We may be ribbing you, but you have a sensible head on them shoulders.

 

[bodhi]

No, i didnt mean it in you were a "wuss" ian, i meant it more like its better if both of you have an accident, not just the one of you!! haha. Guess my evil humour was overlooked.

Mucks is right, i didnt start learning to drive properly until i had passed my test and was out on my own. As most people do, i didnt worry too much about accidents etc until i aquaplaned for the first time, luckily nothing was coming the other way!! That gave me the shakes for a few mins!

Motorway driving is the same as normal driving ian, only you are more likely to find some tw*t behind you flashing his lights cause you are ONLY doing 80Mph!!

You'll be alright big man, get involved!! ;-)

Jeeez!! There is pigeon outside the size of a terradactyl!!