Jokes Thread Part IV

[Quadophile]

I thought it was about time for the 4th installment of the jokes thread...

(Please keep the language pretty clean


[size=+1]A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine[size=-1]

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[/size][/size] Clean Sweep

My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"


[size=-1]


[/size]

 

[Quadophile]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ...."HEBREWS"



THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early

morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[Becky]

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[itsme]

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
=====================================================
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
===============================================


A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
======================================================

BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
====================================================

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

 

[itsme]

Deaf Mafia



[font=Arial,Helvetica]A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]having someone unable to overhear conversations. However, one day when he is[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]down, but don't find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language,[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]they bring in an interpreter.[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.)[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]Mobster: "I'm not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!"[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica](Interpreter again signs.)[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it."[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes. "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!"[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica](Interpreter signs his statement.)[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."


=====================================================[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]LIPREADING[/size]:[/font]


[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]Researchers tell us that only about 25 percent of what is said can be understood by lipreading.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]For example:[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]Suppose a woman says:[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]"This place is a mess! C'mon,[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]You and I need to clean this place up,[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]Your stuff is lying all over on the floor[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]and you'll have no clothes to wear tomorrow[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]unless we do the laundry right now!"[/size][/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]Her lipreading husband will get:[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]YOU AND I[/size][/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]blah, blah, blah, blah, [/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, [/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica][size=+0]blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW![/size][/font]


===========================

[font=Arial,Helvetica]HOT MAMMA:[/font]


[font=Arial,Helvetica]A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]really doing great, aren't you?"[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]and be cheerful."[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]murmur. Be careful."[/font]
============================================


​

 

[itsme]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]NEW HEARING AID:[/font]


[font=Arial,Helvetica]An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]you can hear again."[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]times!"[/font]


=============================

[font=Arial,Helvetica]HARD OF HEARING WIFE?[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]There was no response.[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]Still, there was no response.[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"[/font]
=================================================
SILENT AND ODORLESS:


[font=Arial,Helvetica]A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor,[/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica]you've got to help me. I pass gas HUNDREDS of times a day."[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]He tells the doctor that it's silent and odorless. Then he says, "Doctor, you won't believe this but I've passed gas ten times while we've been talking."[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]So the doctor gives him some pills, "Here, take two of these every day and come see me in two weeks."[/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica]The guy comes back in one week complaining, Doctor, what's in these pills? I still have the gas, it's still silent, but now it smells absolutely TERRIBLE!"[/font] [font=Arial,Helvetica]The doctor says, "Well that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."[/font]
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​

 

[Becky]

Some poitical parties are so transparent. Which British political party can you see right through...?

The Conserva-Tories

Ok, it's not great, but I came up with it by myself!!